A previous article said we’ve had two female sexual revolutions over the past century. One where women began to take pleasure in the act, and a second, when they started acting as aggressively as men. So is there another we should be aware of? Specifically, have we seen the end of monogamy?
History
Let’s start with why monogamy was created in the first place.
Long ago, leaders of the village noticed that intercourse was causing babies. And though wild sex was tons of fun, it was weird for the raising of children. So they decided to lay barrels of guilt on anyone doing the pony dance before engaging in the act of marriage. And if you think of it, this made sense.
Initially guilt was laid evenly, but it quickly became apparent that it worked best with girls. After all, they were the ones who got stuck with the baby. And how could any parent hope to marry off a daughter if she already came with another man’s child? So the brunt of cultural and religious stigma hurled towards young love-makers began to fall on women.
Then one day we invented birth control and culture began to change. Stigma started to lift and the floodgates opened to where we’ve arrived today. Birth control is what spawned both female revolutions and without it, we’d still be stuck with guilt control.
The tradition of frowning on premarital and extramarital sex is (and was) totally due to the lack of birth control. And the notion that marital infidelity is a betrayal is mostly in your mind because old time culture put it there (initially, for good reason).
Nature
So is monogamy still warranted now that it’s no longer required?
The answer lies mostly in nature. If you placed 100 people on an island without any external influence, how would they act? Probably monogamously. Why? Because after you make love and it’s good, you want to do it again. Then you want to talk and hang out, call each other during the day, play silly games, and go for something to eat. We’re not animals. We’re emotional beings. The reason most folks want an affair isn’t that they need to be physical with other people, it’s because they’ve lost the intimate connection they once had with their partner. So for most of us, monogamy is completely natural.
But if you as a couple consent to extramarital carousing or partake on your own without consent, that’s okay. You won’t be punished in the afterlife because of a cultural stigma that’s out of date. Monogamy has become an option. Applicable for most, but not compulsory for all.
Affairs
So then why do people have affairs?
There are plenty of reasons—both traditional and modern. Traditionally, extramarital affairs occur when someone isn’t getting enough at home (so they go to McDonalds) or they’re feeling emotionally ignored (so get tangled up with the cabana boy for the sake of attention). And these reasons still make up the majority of cases today.
But these days, there are even more excuses. Happily married people are now cheating because they’re bored with what they’ve got—many times with open consent. And because of both female revolutions, we have way more women interested in discovering what they’ve been denied. There are loads of babes who feel they married too soon and candidly wish for another crack at singledom just for the sake of better sex.
Add in that we still have way too many hang-ups (especially among males) limiting what most of us can experience at home and you’ve got motive. Many a lady would love to don stilettos and a wig only to witness her husband call her a hoar. So her only escape is infidelity. (And men can face the same problem—for example, she won’t wear the George Bush mask.)
Sex today has become totally redefined. It’s no longer regarded as an intimate act exclusive to marriage. Single people do it all the time—just watch TV. Every family show is talking about it and sex is constantly being promoted as the most fun thing to do. No wonder teenagers are so active. And though we’ve said it’s unnatural to have physical relations without first feeling some sort of a connection, life practice is showing us exceptions.
But the bottom line is: affairs are primarily caused by spouses intimately giving up on each other. The life principle that we can’t live without intimacy is real. And most people do what they must in order to survive.
Summary
Couples start off monogamously because we’re in love. Most infidelity is caused by spouses giving up on each other for lack of intimacy (whether physical or verbal). They’d rather be with their partner but feel it’s not an option—so they search. Some infidelity is natural, for example, high drives open to experimentation. This group needs to realize that a purely physical relationship is dangerous because it’s only natural to want more. And having more can lead to home wrecking.
In the end, all everybody wants is someone to hang out with and have sex with. That’s what you initially had with your spouse. That’s what you want again.
Note: This excerpt comes from the book, Marriage Figured Out. You may also like the articles on Intimacy and Love.