Relationships Archives - More Letters to the Corinthians

Monogamy

A previous article said we’ve had two female sexual revolutions over the past century. One where women began to take pleasure in the act, and a second, when they started acting as aggressively as men. So is there another we should be aware of? Specifically, have we seen the end of monogamy?

History

Let’s start with why monogamy was created in the first place.

Long ago, leaders of the village noticed that intercourse was causing babies. And though wild sex was tons of fun, it was weird for the raising of children. So they decided to lay barrels of guilt on anyone doing the pony dance before engaging in the act of marriage. And if you think of it, this made sense.

Initially guilt was laid evenly, but it quickly became apparent that it worked best with girls. After all, they were the ones who got stuck with the baby. And how could any parent hope to marry off a daughter if she already came with another man’s child? So the brunt of cultural and religious stigma hurled towards young love-makers began to fall on women.

Then one day we invented birth control and culture began to change. Stigma started to lift and the floodgates opened to where we’ve arrived today. Birth control is what spawned both female revolutions and without it, we’d still be stuck with guilt control.

The tradition of frowning on premarital and extramarital sex is (and was) totally due to the lack of birth control. And the notion that marital infidelity is a betrayal is mostly in your mind because old time culture put it there (initially, for good reason).

Nature

So is monogamy still warranted now that it’s no longer required?

The answer lies mostly in nature. If you placed 100 people on an island without any external influence, how would they act? Probably monogamously. Why? Because after you make love and it’s good, you want to do it again. Then you want to talk and hang out, call each other during the day, play silly games, and go for something to eat. We’re not animals. We’re emotional beings. The reason most folks want an affair isn’t that they need to be physical with other people, it’s because they’ve lost the intimate connection they once had with their partner. So for most of us, monogamy is completely natural.

But if you as a couple consent to extramarital carousing or partake on your own without consent, that’s okay. You won’t be punished in the afterlife because of a cultural stigma that’s out of date. Monogamy has become an option. Applicable for most, but not compulsory for all.

Affairs

So then why do people have affairs?

There are plenty of reasons—both traditional and modern. Traditionally, extramarital affairs occur when someone isn’t getting enough at home (so they go to McDonalds) or they’re feeling emotionally ignored (so get tangled up with the cabana boy for the sake of attention). And these reasons still make up the majority of cases today.

But these days, there are even more excuses. Happily married people are now cheating because they’re bored with what they’ve got—many times with open consent. And because of both female revolutions, we have way more women interested in discovering what they’ve been denied. There are loads of babes who feel they married too soon and candidly wish for another crack at singledom just for the sake of better sex.

Add in that we still have way too many hang-ups (especially among males) limiting what most of us can experience at home and you’ve got motive. Many a lady would love to don stilettos and a wig only to witness her husband call her a hoar. So her only escape is infidelity. (And men can face the same problem—for example, she won’t wear the George Bush mask.)

Sex today has become totally redefined. It’s no longer regarded as an intimate act exclusive to marriage. Single people do it all the time—just watch TV. Every family show is talking about it and sex is constantly being promoted as the most fun thing to do. No wonder teenagers are so active. And though we’ve said it’s unnatural to have physical relations without first feeling some sort of a connection, life practice is showing us exceptions.

But the bottom line is: affairs are primarily caused by spouses intimately giving up on each other. The life principle that we can’t live without intimacy is real. And most people do what they must in order to survive.

Summary

Couples start off monogamously because we’re in love. Most infidelity is caused by spouses giving up on each other for lack of intimacy (whether physical or verbal). They’d rather be with their partner but feel it’s not an option—so they search. Some infidelity is natural, for example, high drives open to experimentation. This group needs to realize that a purely physical relationship is dangerous because it’s only natural to want more. And having more can lead to home wrecking.

In the end, all everybody wants is someone to hang out with and have sex with. That’s what you initially had with your spouse. That’s what you want again.

Note: This excerpt comes from the book, Marriage Figured Out. You may also like the articles on Intimacy and Love.

Well Raised

Being well-raised is what separates people from animals. Because, to be honest, we’re not all that different. Sure, mamma bear shows basic instincts to her cubs but she doesn’t bitch at them to get to school or brush their teeth. And it’s this list of civilizing characteristics that we’re here to discuss.

It’s not that some families are bad, we just don’t all come from homes that enforce the way you’re supposed to act. In most cases, it’s because they didn’t know any better themselves. And because we don’t all grow up the same, some of us are short on skills that would serve us well in places like the business world. So let’s make a list for everyone to know (at least, my two).

Dress

Don’t wear cut-offs to a barbecue and never wear anything issued by the military (pajamas are fine). Dressing like this shows you’re low-end and it’s embarrassing to those around you. Yes, others should accept you “the way you are,” but don’t make them stretch. You too can bend by respecting social norms. Everyone needs a pair of nice slacks, dressy shoes, and a good set of gloves. There’s more to life than denim and Italians have designed more than just the golf shirt.

Grooming

Boys, clip your nails and everyone should shower every day. Long nails on men are creepy and perfume only goes so far. Trim your eyebrows when need be, and if there’s a hair hanging from your nose—pluck it. Upper-class people aren’t that demanding. They simply wish you wash and try your best.

Table Manners

Eat with two utensils and never lick your knife. Wait until everyone is seated before starting and acknowledge the effort by complimenting the cook. (Ask your mother for everything else—I’m not good at this stuff myself.)

Language

Use clean language—even when telling a joke. And never tell dirty stories in mixed company. Yes, boys have a dark side, but try to hide it from ladies and the kids.

Cleanliness

Well-raised people take responsibility for their messes and never wish to be called a slob. This extends to general cleanliness, like keeping a nice yard and washing behind the fridge.

Timeliness

Famed football coach Vince Lombardi said “if you’re ten minutes early, you’re five minutes late,” alluding to the fact you should always be fifteen minutes early for everything. Mature people are organized and don’t need much forgiveness in this area. It just takes practice and concentration.

Conversation

You don’t always have to agree but respecting another’s opinion is a virtue (especially if they have a better education on the topic). Asking questions is certainly an act of high standing and it’s always good not to interrupt.

Self-control

Public anger is for dumb people and babies. Never get caught exposing primal impulses in public. It’s just not how to act.

Thank you and sorry

Classy people say thank you because they’re appreciative. Sometimes they even send little notes or call. And they apologize for their mishaps by using the Scottish expression “Forgive me. I must have forgot my manners.” They also take responsibility for being wrong—it shows integrity.

Having a job

When you have a job, show up on time and appreciate the fact you’re working. Employers don’t like it when you come in late or illegitimately call in sick. They also don’t like when you quit without giving notice. If you’re not happy with your position, discuss it with your employer and, if things don’t work out, find another job. But don’t walk away in a storm. Remember, personal references are important, especially as you get older.

Money

Everyone knows you should always have money in your pocket and pay your own way, but a good person also lives within their means and saves. You don’t want to burden friends or throw yourself on society because you’re financially inept. Get it together when it comes to money.

Summary

There’s more to adulthood than how you act at the table.

Growing up means you consistently move towards becoming an adult. Kids are irresponsible, adults are not. Kids are unreliable, adults are not. Kids are takers, adults are not. Somehow you have to make the transition. And it should be done by the age of twenty. Why? Because there’s even more to know and this list isn’t that hard.

Generally speaking, a well-raised person comes from folks who are decent people. Kids draw from the blueprint their parents have made. So if the parents don’t know how to act, so goes the child. And the subliminal secret is: if you want well-raised children, you have to act this way yourself.

Excuse me while I clean up my language and trim my nails.

Fighting

Men and women fight different—and it’s about time somebody put it down on paper.

Women go crazy

Let’s get right to it: we love you, girls, but you’re freaking nuts.

All female actions and reactions should not be judged by logic and every man needs to know just how to manage a crazy spell. We can’t explain, intercept, or successfully predict them or their outcome. All we know is these outbursts occur from time to time, and that’s just the price of having a girl.

Women are definitely the more emotionally advanced of the sexes; losing it on occasion seems to be a consequence of this. And when they do, they can spew some pretty nasty stew.

Men explode

Chicks let you take something back, which is great. Shelley can call her sister a “bitch-whore-slut” one day, apologize, and then go shopping with her the next. Men aren’t like that.

Men have a system where there’s a line, and once you cross it—no forgiveness. They’ll fire a warning shot when Buddy’s getting close. And if Buddy keeps coming—bang, punch in the nose, and we’re done.

Conflict management

Fighting isn’t the same as having an argument. Arguing can be calm, fighting is not.

Women have the ability to spew venom for hours without limits. But this just isn’t the case with boys, and it’s important for women to understand this distinction. Men have a point where you simply must stop. And they’ll react very strongly when you get there.

Men on the other hand, must learn to walk away. Women can’t always restrict themselves during a rampage so it’s ridiculous to expect them to manage such conflict. That’s a man’s job. Which means, even though it’s your own home—you must leave.

Remember, a gentleman never insists on winning a fight and always maintains control when dealing with a lady. The Barenaked Ladies have a lyric that goes, learn to lose, it’s easier that way.

Good advice.

Note: This excerpt comes from the book, Marriage Figured Out.

Sex

It’s amazing how little North Americans know about our second most primal instinct. You’d think that after five thousand years of doing it there’d be some form of education out there, but there just isn’t. So here’s the skinny on sex.

Different drives

There are three basic drives: low, medium, and high. Hello! Why doesn’t everybody know this?

Let’s define them as follows: high drives want it once or twice a week, mediums once or twice a month, and no-to-lows between zero and two times a year. (Yes, zero is an option.)

Humans come in three different drives and some people have a hard time accepting the other two. We tend to think that everyone should be just like us, but there are three different drives.

50-40-10

Is there a gender difference when it comes to this? You bet. The percentages are as follows:

50% of men are high, 40% are medium, and 10% are no-to-low.
10% of women are high, 40% are medium, and 50% are no-to-low.

Now let’s do the math. If you apply the percentages against each other, you’ll find that:

25% of couples are matched (i.e., high with high, medium with medium, low with low)
50% of couples are close (i.e., high with medium or medium with low)
25% are mismatched (i.e., high with low)

So half of all couples have some sort of sex problem and one in every four have a real issue. Nobody did anything to cause this. It’s nature. And though 1% of relationships are made up of a high-drive woman with a low-drive man, 24% are the opposite (high-drive guy with low-drive gal).

The sex trade wasn’t created by accident. All the magazines, movies, strip clubs, massage parlours, on-street prostitution, and pornographic websites are there for a reason. Tons of people are horny. And you can’t just wish it away. It’s normal to like sex.

Plus we need to recognize the additional stimuli directed towards men. Between “Sunshine Girls,” billboards, Internet pop-ups, and beer commercials, they must see 20 bikini-clad babes a day. What do you think this does? It jacks them up, that’s what!

Mature adults must see what’s going on. There are different drives, most couples aren’t properly matched, and oodles of us are as horny as billy goats.

Male vs. female

The male and female attitudes toward sex have traditionally been seen as opposites.

Sexuality for women is an extension of emotional intimacy, whereas for men, it can simply be for pleasure. Traditional female sexuality assumes that you have to first be in love (or at least really like the guy), while traditional male sexuality says it’s also okay to roll around just for fun.

These are just traditional roles and not all men and women feel according to their gender. But regardless of your position, you must be sensitive to the other. Sex will always be an act of intimacy, whether physical or an extension of verbal. It’s just that women are traditionally quicker to get verbal and consider being physical as special, while men are typically the opposite—they can easily get naked but are slower to share a secret.

Female revolutions

Many developments have occurred over the past 50 years in terms of female sexuality. And TV role models illustrate the changes. Take, for example, the difference between Wilma Flintstone and Marge Simpson.

Wilma raised most North American women born between 1950 and 1970. Married to her bumbling, loudmouth husband, she laid the framework for the way many ladies conduct themselves today. And though she shared many a friendly giggle with Betty, in terms of how she treated her husband, Wilma was oftentimes a bag. Her angry, cross-armed, toe-tapping anticipation of conflict with Fred was etched into every child’s memory. And the notion of wives yelling at husbands became accepted as the norm.

Now fast-forward to Marge Simpson, married to the same sort of guy. Homer is certainly no better; he’s actually worse. But Marge rarely raises her voice and almost always forgives without issuing penance. But more importantly, for our purposes, Marge has sex. And not only does she have sex, she enjoys it. And so does Lois on Malcolm in the Middle and many others.

So female revolution number one is that it’s okay for women to have and enjoy sex.

Thanks to Marge and countless others, a major shift occurred. The 50-40-10 figures previously defined are much different among younger women. More of them are outside the no-to-low zone and into the medium or high as the ratios between the sexes are getting closer.

And the world is experiencing another female revolution. Women are adopting the sexual attitude traditional of males. In other words, more women are subscribing to the notion that it’s perfectly okay to engage in physicality just for fun. We see this everywhere—through marital affairs, web-based cheating sites, bar chicks aggressively hitting on cute guys, fewer constraints for getting to first base, the increased numbers in my swingers club, way more adult-only resorts, and almost everybody is getting naked on the internet. Something huge is going on here.

Dating protocol

Though it’s cool that women are enjoying themselves—and most guys are happy to see them aboard—we’re currently having issues incorporating this second revolution into our dating style.

The old structure was this:

attraction ➔ verbal intimacy➔ light physical ➔ more verbal ➔ more physical ➔ love ➔ all the way

Over the past few decades we changed it to this:

attraction ➔ verbal intimacy ➔ light physical ➔ more physical ➔ all the way

We showed the world that you don’t have to be in love in order to make out. You can just really like someone and there needn’t be any sort of commitment. So it’s now perfectly okay to have multiple partners before marriage. But today people are trying to change it to this:

attraction ➔ physical (skipping past all the emotional)

And this creates a problem. Sex without something of an emotional connection is unnatural. It sounds good in theory but doesn’t work in actual practice because we’re two-sided beings—both women and men. Adults having a physical affair who don’t acknowledge it could turn into something emotional are living dangerously. Even mature singles who regularly sleep around are missing core components to the whole experience.

Young people

This new quasi-structure of dating is messing with our kids. Google the words “making love” and you enter the world of fisting, yanking, and spanking. Okay for older folks in need of a little stimulation but beyond confusing for a teenager with a crush.

Young people need to be taught that liking someone involves skipping stones and holding hands in the park. You’re not supposed to immediately take off all your clothes. It naturally takes time for two people to arrive at a point where all that physical stuff feels right and things shouldn’t be rushed. We mustn’t forget that physical connection is an extension of an existing emotional one. Sure, our paths to romantic love are different. Men come from a more physical angle and women from a more emotional one, but the eventual act of lovemaking is the fusing of the two. That’s why it’s so great.

Sex without prior emotional connection is unnatural and not good for young people. It screws them up and forces them into actions they may later regret (girls especially, but also the boys). Teach your kids to take life one step at a time and only do what is appropriate for their age.

Note: This excerpt was taken from the book, Marriage Figured Out. You may also like the articles on Intimacy, Love, and Monogamy

Intimacy

The biggest element to any boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is intimacy. And since humans are complicated, there are two types: physical and verbal. Think back to when you were dating. You probably cuddled all the time and talked until four in the morning. And though both sexes require both types of intimacy, men tend to be more physical, while women like to talk.

To explore this point further, please meet the following couples:

Darryl and Cheryl

Darryl was a pipefitter—a beer-drinking, sports-watching, Sunshine-girl-subscribing, journeyman pipefitter. Generally a decent guy, Darryl was rather simple—not possessing much of an opinion on anything more than work, beer, buddies, or sports.

Cheryl was a dedicated soccer mom who worked full-time for Dr. Sparks. A school volunteer who devoted herself entirely to children, Cheryl spoke to her sister and mom on a daily basis. She, too, was a generally nice person.

Residing in a middle-class home in a middle-class neighbourhood, Darryl and Cheryl were living a rather normal middle-class marriage. That is, until Darryl “changed.”

One day while doing the laundry, Cheryl found a matchbook with a phone number written in what seemed to be lady’s handwriting. She thought it odd, since Darryl worked mostly with men. That night, she returned the matchbook, inquiring as to whose number it was. He replied, “Nobody,” and continued on his way.

Over the next few weeks, Cheryl noticed Darryl going out more often, spending less time with the kids, and avoiding eye contact. He no longer had much to say at dinner, and once the dishes were done, he either had someplace to go or was off to his room in the basement.

One day, during her daily conversation with her mom, she mentioned that Darryl seemed rather distant. Mom suggested that maybe he was having an affair. After shrugging off the suggestion with, “Who would want old Darryl?” she started to cry.

What happened

This couple fell victim to a significant but natural problem: lack of physical intimacy. This problem affects half of all marriages today and is a common reason why couples split.

What’s also natural is that Cheryl didn’t see it coming. Why? Because she was somewhat intimately satisfied herself. She spoke with her family daily and hugged her kids often. And though not perfect, the intimacy in her life was decent; she certainly wasn’t starving.

Mary and Larry

Now let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Meet Mary and Larry.

Mary was a pretty girl who got lots of attention for it. An only child with a quasi-distant relationship with her parents, she didn’t really have many close friends, especially since they’d moved. Larry was a good-looking, great dad with a high-paying job, who had an awesome sex life. What more could he ask for?

Mary loved her life—Larry, the kids, all of it. Only thing, this high-paying job required Larry to travel and he often had to work late. When home, Larry was almost always preoccupied with work or had even more of it to do. Mary was a devoted wife and real trooper: she understood what it took to be married to an executive and didn’t complain about all the time she spent alone. But they were missing something. It was like they never seemed to have enough time for “us.”

She talked about this often with her hairdresser, Ray—a cute guy on his own. Ray seemed to understand, and she liked speaking with him. One day she ran into Ray at the supermarket, and they went for coffee. Somehow these encounters became more frequent, and eventually they landed in bed.

This action shocked Mary because she loved her husband and respected their marriage. She’d never do anything to upset that. How did this happen? How could it happen?

What happened

What happened to Mary is also quite common. She was starved for verbal intimacy. She didn’t sleep with Ray because she wanted to have sex—it was simply an extension of their verbal relationship, and verbal intimacy is something Mary could not live without.

And just like Cheryl, Larry didn’t see it coming. Why? Because since he had a great lovelife, he assumed the intimacy in their relationship was fine. He didn’t know there were two parts. So he wasn’t aware that his wife was starving.

Summary

There’s more to intimacy than this, but try to remember the following:

The boyfriend-girlfriend component of any relationship is all about intimacy, and there are two kinds: physical and verbal.

Though we require both, men are generally more inclined to physical intimacy, and women to verbal.

When one is denied physical intimacy, they’ll withdraw from verbal, which only serves to widen the gap. Likewise, someone will withdraw from physical if denied verbal.

People need intimacy to survive. If your partner is starved, they’ll seek new relationships. But if you’re sensitive to both their physical and verbal needs (and aren’t too much of a slob), they’ll probably never leave.

Note: This excerpt comes from the book, Marriage Figured Out.

Talking Back

Remember the olden days when kids were seen and not heard? Back then parents could get away with almost anything. But today, children have this new ability to talk back to those who’ve given so much. So is it right that kids are allowed to treat us this way, or should we go back to beating them with a stick?

Pay it forward

In the past, the reason you had to keep quiet was because parents were the givers and you—the little pukes—only took. So how dare you not respect them at all times?

But many who grew up under this system came to abhor it. We resented its unfairness and started to believe that parenting isn’t about equalization, it’s about paying it forward. And the debt I owe is not to you, but to my own.

Resentment

Experts from the University of Edmonton say if a child is expected to suppress his or her natural anger, they’ll harbour resentment. That’s why many adults no longer speak with dad or call on Mother’s Day. It’s best for everyone to be allowed to lash back. Because if this freedom is denied, the resentment only festers—resulting in deeper anger that will eventually burst.

So the next time your kids tell you to piss off, smile. It means they’re emotionally stable. And your grandchildren will be the same. Then again, there’s nothing wrong with a cuff in the head.

Note: Also see Evolution of Management.

How to Pick Up a Waitress

When it comes to choosing a partner, most women want the same thing—a nice guy who finds them attractive. So any gentleman who finds himself smitten must first impress the lady that he’s nice, and then toss her a compliment.

Let’s take an example using a waitress. On the first few occasions when she comes to your table, be attentive, courteous, and polite. Then on the third or fourth visit, tell her that she’s pretty.

After the compliment, she’ll come back either receptive and warm, or professional and cold. If she comes back warm (like, touching your shoulder or asking where your lady is tonight), the door is open. Your job now is just to say the right thing.

If she comes back all professional and cold, saying something like, “Is everything okay, here?”—you’re hooped. Move three tables over and start hitting on the dishwasher. But if she’s warm, go with something like, “How’d you like to join me for lunch, tomorrow?” Better yet, a “late lunch” (since you’re sensitive to the fact that she works late).

Ideally, this procedure should occur over two or three visits (that’s the way nice guys do it) but it can also work all in one night.

Remember, the formula is:

Nice ➔ Compliment ➔ Response ➔ Proposition

And don’t take too long to ask her out. Girls can’t wait forever. You need to perform these steps within a certain time frame. Practice on your mom—she’ll let you down easy. Then move up to a waitress. You might get extra fries.

Love

Love has continuously evaded definition through the ages. This is partly due to there being so many types of love. In our lives, we experience family love, friendship love, puppy love, passionate love, romantic love, parent-child love, love for mankind, love for pets, material love (e.g., love for a new car), and many others.

But among this variety are two consistencies: the positive sensation of receiving love and the conscious effort of giving it.

Get-love

Why do you like or love any person or any thing? Isn’t it because they make you feel good?

Think of a friend. When they’re part of your day, you feel better. That’s why you like them. Now think of someone you don’t like. When they enter your day, you feel worse. Liking or loving any person or thing includes receiving positive feelings or sensations from them.

So let’s define “get-love” as the positive feelings or sensations you receive from another person (or a car).

Give-love

Give-love is what you give to others without expecting anything in return.

Think of caring for a sick baby. A parent will sit for hours, giving out positive energy just to make the baby feel better. But the soothed child doesn’t give anything in return. It doesn’t send flowers or promise to do better the next time. They simply take the love given.

In this situation, the adult gives love, and the child receives it.

So we have two categories of love: give-love and get-love. The difference is best illustrated by an expression used by parents in talking about their teenagers. They’ll often say, “I love my daughter, but I don’t really like her right now.” This refers to the position of still being ready to give love, while not receiving anything in return (at the present time).

Self-satisfaction

Those issuing give-love may be rewarded for their efforts through self-satisfaction. Self-satisfaction is a wonderful sensation in and of itself, but it’s not a direct result of give-love, and it doesn’t always occur. It’s indirect because it’s a result of your own actions, as opposed to something you can receive from another. And it doesn’t always occur because it doesn’t always occur: that’s just the way nature works. So, sincerity is a major component of give-love.

Magic love

One of the wonders of life is the positive sensation we feel from others without them consciously exerting any effort. Magic love is when you like someone “just the way they are.” When this happens simultaneously between two people, they experience a mutual exchange of positive energy—which is great.

I say something funny and you laugh. You share opinions and I respect them. I physically present myself the way I like and you find me attractive. We both receive get-love without putting any effort into give-love. Net result: getting without giving. Friends share magic love all over the world. It’s the positive energy generated effortlessly by people simply being themselves.

Romantic love

The epitome of magic love is when two people find each other—when they give each other more positive feelings (get-love) than anyone they’ve ever known, and the feeling is mutual.

A person in romantic love thinks, “If you die, I will too because I cannot live without receiving all this wonderful get-love in my life.” And this amazing feeling is generated almost entirely without effort on your part. All you have to do is simply be you.

Friendship love

Friendship love is based in reciprocity. In a sense it could be called 50/50 love, since both parties generally give and get to the same degree. But within friendship love, most giving is effortless and the receiving plentiful. It’s like both parties give 3 units of love but receive 10.

Sure, I buy you a birthday present and then you buy me one. I listen to your problems while you listen to mine. But friends naturally enjoy each other’s company. They receive magic love from each other simply because their personalities are compatible, so both are receiving more than they give. It’s a win-win situation.

Friendships develop based on this win-win principle. The more we win from each other, the more we stay together; our relationship grows or shrinks based on this effortless reciprocity. When we feel we’re no longer getting back what we’re putting in, we move on to develop new friendships—which may be better bargains.

Family love

There is also wonderful love reciprocity in most families, but it’s coupled with much more flexibility and willingness to keep the relationship together. We accept less of a “bang for our buck,” since we’re not as conscious of what we receive versus how much we give.

Family love is also not as effortless because, as the saying goes, “You can’t choose your relatives.” It involves obligation and commitment (e.g., even though I’m angry with my brother, I’ll still invite him for Christmas at my house). People only break off family relationships under exceptional circumstance, and when they do, they’re almost always open to reconciliation.

Family love is the closest thing to total acceptance we ever feel. It’s a more comfortable love since ending the relationship is typically not an option. As a result, family love is a much deeper love.

Love and relationships

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Girl likes boy. Girl accepts.

Dating is based entirely in friendship love. I receive more than I give, and my giving is almost effortless. Likewise, you receive lots from me, and your giving also comes easily. This get-more-than-you-give thing grows until both parties can no longer live without each other. We simply grow to a point where we cannot live without receiving all this great get-love because it feels totally fantastic and costs virtually nothing.

As a result, most people consider their courtship period the absolute best time of their life.

Unhappy marriages

Unhappily married people make comments like “I’m not getting back what I’m putting in,” “The romance is gone,” and “I no longer get butterflies when you walk into the room.” They simply want more get-love in their lives. Unfortunately, they don’t understand that their thirst for boundless get-love is totally impossible to satisfy.

Happy marriages

Happily married people always refer to the work involved in a good marriage. They say things like “It’s a lot of work keeping a marriage together.” What the heck are they talking about?

They’re talking about the work involved in give-love. About loving someone without expecting things in return. About putting effort in for your partner simply because they’re your partner.

It’s work to give. You’re tired, you’re lazy, and you want to be left alone. Frankly, you’d rather be receiving. When you’re giving, the only thing you can hope for is self-satisfaction, and that’s not always guaranteed.

In happy marriages, spouses somehow get to the stage where they realize that living with a spouse and raising a family isn’t about getting (like dating was)—it’s about giving. These people change their attitudes from “It’s all about me” to “It’s all about us.” And, in successful marriages, spouses treat each other like family, not just friends

Summary

There are two primary forms of love: get-love and give-love.
Get-love measures what you receive from another person. Give-love is what you consciously give without expecting anything in return.
Friendship is typically based in get-love reciprocity, while family love is less evaluative and more about giving.
Relationships always start in friendship love (getting more than you give) and then, if successful, transform into family love.

For more information see Chapter I in Marriage Figured Out.