Love has continuously evaded definition through the ages. This is partly due to there being so many types of love. In our lives, we experience family love, friendship love, puppy love, passionate love, romantic love, parent-child love, love for mankind, love for pets, material love (e.g., love for a new car), and many others.
But among this variety are two consistencies: the positive sensation of receiving love and the conscious effort of giving it.
Get-love
Why do you like or love any person or any thing? Isn’t it because they make you feel good?
Think of a friend. When they’re part of your day, you feel better. That’s why you like them. Now think of someone you don’t like. When they enter your day, you feel worse. Liking or loving any person or thing includes receiving positive feelings or sensations from them.
So let’s define “get-love” as the positive feelings or sensations you receive from another person (or a car).
Give-love
Give-love is what you give to others without expecting anything in return.
Think of caring for a sick baby. A parent will sit for hours, giving out positive energy just to make the baby feel better. But the soothed child doesn’t give anything in return. It doesn’t send flowers or promise to do better the next time. They simply take the love given.
In this situation, the adult gives love, and the child receives it.
So we have two categories of love: give-love and get-love. The difference is best illustrated by an expression used by parents in talking about their teenagers. They’ll often say, “I love my daughter, but I don’t really like her right now.” This refers to the position of still being ready to give love, while not receiving anything in return (at the present time).
Self-satisfaction
Those issuing give-love may be rewarded for their efforts through self-satisfaction. Self-satisfaction is a wonderful sensation in and of itself, but it’s not a direct result of give-love, and it doesn’t always occur. It’s indirect because it’s a result of your own actions, as opposed to something you can receive from another. And it doesn’t always occur because it doesn’t always occur: that’s just the way nature works. So, sincerity is a major component of give-love.
Magic love
One of the wonders of life is the positive sensation we feel from others without them consciously exerting any effort. Magic love is when you like someone “just the way they are.” When this happens simultaneously between two people, they experience a mutual exchange of positive energy—which is great.
I say something funny and you laugh. You share opinions and I respect them. I physically present myself the way I like and you find me attractive. We both receive get-love without putting any effort into give-love. Net result: getting without giving. Friends share magic love all over the world. It’s the positive energy generated effortlessly by people simply being themselves.
Romantic love
The epitome of magic love is when two people find each other—when they give each other more positive feelings (get-love) than anyone they’ve ever known, and the feeling is mutual.
A person in romantic love thinks, “If you die, I will too because I cannot live without receiving all this wonderful get-love in my life.” And this amazing feeling is generated almost entirely without effort on your part. All you have to do is simply be you.
Friendship love
Friendship love is based in reciprocity. In a sense it could be called 50/50 love, since both parties generally give and get to the same degree. But within friendship love, most giving is effortless and the receiving plentiful. It’s like both parties give 3 units of love but receive 10.
Sure, I buy you a birthday present and then you buy me one. I listen to your problems while you listen to mine. But friends naturally enjoy each other’s company. They receive magic love from each other simply because their personalities are compatible, so both are receiving more than they give. It’s a win-win situation.
Friendships develop based on this win-win principle. The more we win from each other, the more we stay together; our relationship grows or shrinks based on this effortless reciprocity. When we feel we’re no longer getting back what we’re putting in, we move on to develop new friendships—which may be better bargains.
Family love
There is also wonderful love reciprocity in most families, but it’s coupled with much more flexibility and willingness to keep the relationship together. We accept less of a “bang for our buck,” since we’re not as conscious of what we receive versus how much we give.
Family love is also not as effortless because, as the saying goes, “You can’t choose your relatives.” It involves obligation and commitment (e.g., even though I’m angry with my brother, I’ll still invite him for Christmas at my house). People only break off family relationships under exceptional circumstance, and when they do, they’re almost always open to reconciliation.
Family love is the closest thing to total acceptance we ever feel. It’s a more comfortable love since ending the relationship is typically not an option. As a result, family love is a much deeper love.
Love and relationships
Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy asks girl out. Girl likes boy. Girl accepts.
Dating is based entirely in friendship love. I receive more than I give, and my giving is almost effortless. Likewise, you receive lots from me, and your giving also comes easily. This get-more-than-you-give thing grows until both parties can no longer live without each other. We simply grow to a point where we cannot live without receiving all this great get-love because it feels totally fantastic and costs virtually nothing.
As a result, most people consider their courtship period the absolute best time of their life.
Unhappy marriages
Unhappily married people make comments like “I’m not getting back what I’m putting in,” “The romance is gone,” and “I no longer get butterflies when you walk into the room.” They simply want more get-love in their lives. Unfortunately, they don’t understand that their thirst for boundless get-love is totally impossible to satisfy.
Happy marriages
Happily married people always refer to the work involved in a good marriage. They say things like “It’s a lot of work keeping a marriage together.” What the heck are they talking about?
They’re talking about the work involved in give-love. About loving someone without expecting things in return. About putting effort in for your partner simply because they’re your partner.
It’s work to give. You’re tired, you’re lazy, and you want to be left alone. Frankly, you’d rather be receiving. When you’re giving, the only thing you can hope for is self-satisfaction, and that’s not always guaranteed.
In happy marriages, spouses somehow get to the stage where they realize that living with a spouse and raising a family isn’t about getting (like dating was)—it’s about giving. These people change their attitudes from “It’s all about me” to “It’s all about us.” And, in successful marriages, spouses treat each other like family, not just friends
Summary
- There are two primary forms of love: get-love and give-love.
- Get-love measures what you receive from another person. Give-love is what you consciously give without expecting anything in return.
- Friendship is typically based in get-love reciprocity, while family love is less evaluative and more about giving.
- Relationships always start in friendship love (getting more than you give) and then, if successful, transform into family love.
For more information see Chapter I in Marriage Figured Out.