The biggest element to any boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is intimacy. And since humans are complicated, there are two types: physical and verbal. Think back to when you were dating. You probably cuddled all the time and talked until four in the morning. And though both sexes require both types of intimacy, men tend to be more physical, while women like to talk.
To explore this point further, please meet the following couples:
Darryl and Cheryl
Darryl was a pipefitter—a beer-drinking, sports-watching, Sunshine-girl-subscribing, journeyman pipefitter. Generally a decent guy, Darryl was rather simple—not possessing much of an opinion on anything more than work, beer, buddies, or sports.
Cheryl was a dedicated soccer mom who worked full-time for Dr. Sparks. A school volunteer who devoted herself entirely to children, Cheryl spoke to her sister and mom on a daily basis. She, too, was a generally nice person.
Residing in a middle-class home in a middle-class neighbourhood, Darryl and Cheryl were living a rather normal middle-class marriage. That is, until Darryl “changed.”
One day while doing the laundry, Cheryl found a matchbook with a phone number written in what seemed to be lady’s handwriting. She thought it odd, since Darryl worked mostly with men. That night, she returned the matchbook, inquiring as to whose number it was. He replied, “Nobody,” and continued on his way.
Over the next few weeks, Cheryl noticed Darryl going out more often, spending less time with the kids, and avoiding eye contact. He no longer had much to say at dinner, and once the dishes were done, he either had someplace to go or was off to his room in the basement.
One day, during her daily conversation with her mom, she mentioned that Darryl seemed rather distant. Mom suggested that maybe he was having an affair. After shrugging off the suggestion with, “Who would want old Darryl?” she started to cry.
What happened
This couple fell victim to a significant but natural problem: lack of physical intimacy. This problem affects half of all marriages today and is a common reason why couples split.
What’s also natural is that Cheryl didn’t see it coming. Why? Because she was somewhat intimately satisfied herself. She spoke with her family daily and hugged her kids often. And though not perfect, the intimacy in her life was decent; she certainly wasn’t starving.
Mary and Larry
Now let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Meet Mary and Larry.
Mary was a pretty girl who got lots of attention for it. An only child with a quasi-distant relationship with her parents, she didn’t really have many close friends, especially since they’d moved. Larry was a good-looking, great dad with a high-paying job, who had an awesome sex life. What more could he ask for?
Mary loved her life—Larry, the kids, all of it. Only thing, this high-paying job required Larry to travel and he often had to work late. When home, Larry was almost always preoccupied with work or had even more of it to do. Mary was a devoted wife and real trooper: she understood what it took to be married to an executive and didn’t complain about all the time she spent alone. But they were missing something. It was like they never seemed to have enough time for “us.”
She talked about this often with her hairdresser, Ray—a cute guy on his own. Ray seemed to understand, and she liked speaking with him. One day she ran into Ray at the supermarket, and they went for coffee. Somehow these encounters became more frequent, and eventually they landed in bed.
This action shocked Mary because she loved her husband and respected their marriage. She’d never do anything to upset that. How did this happen? How could it happen?
What happened
What happened to Mary is also quite common. She was starved for verbal intimacy. She didn’t sleep with Ray because she wanted to have sex—it was simply an extension of their verbal relationship, and verbal intimacy is something Mary could not live without.
And just like Cheryl, Larry didn’t see it coming. Why? Because since he had a great lovelife, he assumed the intimacy in their relationship was fine. He didn’t know there were two parts. So he wasn’t aware that his wife was starving.
Summary
There’s more to intimacy than this, but try to remember the following:
- The boyfriend-girlfriend component of any relationship is all about intimacy, and there are two kinds: physical and verbal.
- Though we require both, men are generally more inclined to physical intimacy, and women to verbal.
- When one is denied physical intimacy, they’ll withdraw from verbal, which only serves to widen the gap. Likewise, someone will withdraw from physical if denied verbal.
- People need intimacy to survive. If your partner is starved, they’ll seek new relationships. But if you’re sensitive to both their physical and verbal needs (and aren’t too much of a slob), they’ll probably never leave.
Note: This excerpt comes from the book, Marriage Figured Out.