Looks like the whole world is getting in on this relabeling thing. Egypt just announced they’re changing the name of their soccer team to the Cairo Practors. Previously it was the Sonic, referring to the speed and outstanding play of the team, but apparently some meteor got offended.
Back home, I’m sure we’ll get through this. Within months we’ll see the Washington Memes, the Cleveland Also-Cavaliers, the Los Angeles Looters, and out here the Edmonton Cantaloupes. But that’s not what worries me. I say, we should be discussing the nationality names we’ve given each other. You know, words like “spaghetti bender,” “kraut,” and “kamikaze.” They too probably need an update. So here are some suggestions:
- Italians – spaghetti bender was fine but now that everyone is eating it, perhaps we need a change. Besides, dagos have moved up in the world. How about something that recognizes our accomplishments in the fashion industry like, “Mr. Gucci over there” or “Lady Ferragamo.” This would be nice.
- Portuguese – these guys are tired of being called pork chops. They’re noble people and Portugal is a beautiful place. So how about we call them Portuguese for now and if you see just one, a Portcha-goose?
- Greeks – all those crowbar jokes have to go. They’re getting old and Greek men are lousy in bed. I say little feta-cheezers or Opa Winfries, but no more crowbar jokes.
- Armenians – nobody ever talks about these people. They’d just like to be mentioned.
- Asians – like the Greeks, they’re sick of Asian driver jokes. So they’re not that good at it. Take out more insurance.
And while we’re talking, here are a few more:
- The Fat – something that ties into snowmen, like frosties or mountain people.
- The Skinny – I think beanpole is still good. Hasn’t been over used.
- Gays – no name in particular, just keep mentioning the parade.
Long story short, it’s good to have labels for the different looks of people. Not only do they act as wonderful terms of endearment but they’re efficient for telling police. So let’s keep the custom going. Then again, you could see the whole thing as being bigoted and say it’s time to move on. No more need to tease each other based on ethnicity, colour, or shape. And you might be right. Most of these sayings are out of date. Yes, they once served a purpose. Back in the day, laughing at each other was a great way to break up tension. Comics like Don Rickles used stereotypes to bring people together and it worked. Joking gave folks the freedom not to fear one another and then be themselves. But perhaps this style has passed. The melting pot has melted and today we’re mostly the same.
Just one question, can we still make fun of the Leafs?