Two Irishmen were discussing politics in a bar. The first one called liberals whiny, runny-nosed, naively dangerous, small-peckered buffoons. The second proclaimed that every conservative in the country was a c***. The next day, which Irishman was offended?
Neither, because they were both drunk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the art of an Irish argument is in serious danger of extinction. These damn Google machines and the dummies who hold them have almost ruined this time-honoured tradition of marrying intellect with humour and bullshit.
Today’s arguments always turn into hissy-fits where someone leaves pissed off. But back in the day, people could vehemently disagree without such concern for consequence. That’s because we had rules for how to conduct a good fight. But now that culture has changed, the way we argue has changed.
An intellectual argument isn’t the same as an Irish argument and an Italian argument is something completely different. An intellectual argument involves disclosing supporting information, similar to a legal battle, so participants can challenge whatever they wish. But typically in a bar room setting, we don’t have time for that. An Italian argument involves tons of yelling.
I once witnessed an Italian brother and sister go at it for over an hour. The fight was about which type of knowledge is more important. She believed in the arts and he was more interested in a train that went over two hundred miles an hour. They yelled and screamed so hard that prisoners in the local jail cell got scared. By the end of it, they absolutely hated each other. It was awesome.
But an Irish argument is supposed to be fun. It really is a combination of intellect, humour, and bullshit. So here are the rules:
It’s not a competition
Who cares who’s right? The contest is in the arguing itself, not the resolve. The Irish style has nothing to do with actual facts because they’re mostly made up. (And facts don’t matter much inside any argument—it’s principles.)
In the example above, neither Irishman was offended because they knew the real answer was beyond their grasp. So neither could be right without the good fortune of guessing correctly.
Insults are allowed
Back in the day, no disagreement was complete without the term “garbage” and the expression “anybody who thinks like that is a complete tit.” Nowadays, people say something disparaging and the whole debate comes to a screeching halt. It’s like feelings are more important than our point.
But in an Irish argument, half the joy is in hurling wicked insults towards your opponent.
Within old parliamentary intercourse, quick-witted slaps were common. Upon her retirement, a famous British politician was asked for her favourite. She told the story of a question being asked of the Prime Minister but answered by another minister. After the response, the questioner countered with, “I wish to speak with the organ grinder and not the monkey.”
Summary
A good argument is equivalent to two dogs play-fighting in a yard—it’s good for you and it’s fun. What impedes verbal battles today is the insecurity we all feel towards looking stupid. We’ve made intellectual ability a large part of who we are (status) and believe that losing turns us into ninnies.
But once you get past all that, you’re sure to have a good time. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with a good slur and any argument should leave room for a laugh. Otherwise people’s feelings get hurt and we can’t fight anymore.