irish Archives - More Letters to the Corinthians

Two Irishmen were discussing politics in a bar. The first one called liberals whiny, runny-nosed, naively dangerous, small-peckered buffoons. The second proclaimed that every conservative in the country was a c***. The next day, which Irishman was offended?

Neither, because they were both drunk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the art of an Irish argument is in serious danger of extinction. These damn Google machines and the dummies who hold them have almost ruined this time-honoured tradition of marrying intellect with humour and bullshit.

Today’s arguments always turn into hissy-fits where someone leaves pissed off. But back in the day, people could vehemently disagree without such concern for consequence. That’s because we had rules for how to conduct a good fight. But now that culture has changed, the way we argue has changed.

An intellectual argument isn’t the same as an Irish argument and an Italian argument is something completely different. An intellectual argument involves disclosing supporting information, similar to a legal battle, so participants can challenge whatever they wish. But typically in a bar room setting, we don’t have time for that. An Italian argument involves tons of yelling.

I once witnessed an Italian brother and sister go at it for over an hour. The fight was about which type of knowledge is more important. She believed in the arts and he was more interested in a train that went over two hundred miles an hour. They yelled and screamed so hard that prisoners in the local jail cell got scared. By the end of it, they absolutely hated each other. It was awesome.

But an Irish argument is supposed to be fun. It really is a combination of intellect, humour, and bullshit. So here are the rules:

It’s not a competition

Who cares who’s right? The contest is in the arguing itself, not the resolve. The Irish style has nothing to do with actual facts because they’re mostly made up. (And facts don’t matter much inside any argument—it’s principles.)

In the example above, neither Irishman was offended because they knew the real answer was beyond their grasp. So neither could be right without the good fortune of guessing correctly.

Insults are allowed

Back in the day, no disagreement was complete without the term “garbage” and the expression “anybody who thinks like that is a complete tit.” Nowadays, people say something disparaging and the whole debate comes to a screeching halt. It’s like feelings are more important than our point.

But in an Irish argument, half the joy is in hurling wicked insults towards your opponent.

Within old parliamentary intercourse, quick-witted slaps were common. Upon her retirement, a famous British politician was asked for her favourite. She told the story of a question being asked of the Prime Minister but answered by another minister. After the response, the questioner countered with, “I wish to speak with the organ grinder and not the monkey.”

Summary

A good argument is equivalent to two dogs play-fighting in a yard—it’s good for you and it’s fun. What impedes verbal battles today is the insecurity we all feel towards looking stupid. We’ve made intellectual ability a large part of who we are (status) and believe that losing turns us into ninnies.

But once you get past all that, you’re sure to have a good time. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with a good slur and any argument should leave room for a laugh. Otherwise people’s feelings get hurt and we can’t fight anymore.

The Irish are typically known for drinking beer, funny tasting stew, and inventing St. Patrick’s Day, but these folks also have a long and vivid history. One that’s applicable to the world. Today, the island is divided into two parts: the Republic of Ireland (its own country) and Northern Ireland, which is part of the United Kingdom. The island’s population is 6.4 million—4.6 million live in the Republic and 1.8 million live in Northern Ireland.

Early History

The island was initially inhabited by leprechauns who ran around speaking Gaelic. In 1171, the English (with the backing of the Pope) invaded and began their rule. Ireland would remain separate, but regional kings and bishops had to report to England. Back then everyone was Catholic but in the 1500s, under Henry the VIII’s Protestant Reformation, England changed its religion to Anglican (which wasn’t an easy process).

Later in the 1500s, the Irish tried to rebel. The rebellion was put down but four things happened:

The King of England became the King of Ireland.
England increased its involvement by colonizing the island with thousands of settlers (mostly in the north-east corner).
England tried to impose upon the Irish their new Anglican religion.
A class-structure was formed to favour Protestants.

This religious-conversion thing didn’t go well and most Irish remained Catholic, but they were punished for keeping their faith. Along with economic misfortunes, England denied Catholics voting rights or positions within the Irish Parliament (though they represented 85% of the population).

1800s

Because of this mistreatment, there were many more uprisings over the centuries (though none successful). In the 1800s, three important things happened:

The Irish Parliament was abolished and Ireland became part of Britain (1801). Irish voters would now send representatives to the British parliament in London.
The Reform Act of 1832 cancelled all voter discrimination against Catholics.
The Irish Parliamentary Party was formed (1882) to promote Irish Nationalism or Home Rule (kind of like Canada’s Bloc Quebecois).

Home Rule

The Home Rule Movement produced four failed attempts between 1886 and 1920. The issue was always between Catholic Nationalists, who wanted the whole island, and Protestant Northerners, who felt all of Ireland should remain within the UK.

Sein Fein (Gaelic for “ourselves”), a political party dedicated to the establishment of an Irish Republic, formed in 1907. They eventually replaced the Irish Parliamentary Party and often supported the Irish Republican Army (IRA), who formed in 1913 to wage a guerrilla campaign against British rule in Ireland.

Ulster—the nine counties around Belfast, in Northern Ireland—was largely populated by Protestants, descendants of Scots who had settled there in the early 1600s. Under Home Rule, the entire island would be ruled by Dublin. Inevitably, Catholics from southern Ireland would dominate it. Before accepting any such thing, Ulstermen swore they’d die fighting. (So it was a sticky situation.)

In 1920, after Irish soldiers had died valiantly in WWI, Irish patience was up. Violence became the order of the day and something had to be done. The liberal government assigned the issue to Secretary of State for the Colonies, Winston Churchill. Churchill’s initial reaction was to counter IRA violence with British soldiers (the “tans”) but this act was ineffective. He then invited leaders of the Irish National Movement to negotiate.

Michael Collins

Revolutionary leader and IRA member, Michael Collins, went to London along with Sein Fein founder, Arthur Griffith. Collins and Churchill got along exceptionally well—drinking and singing until late into the morning. Churchill’s offer, which became known as the Anglo-Irish Agreement (1922), named southern Ireland the Irish Free State and granted it dominion status like that of Canada. Northerners would have the right to join the dominion or remain within Britain. And if they chose the latter, which everyone knew they would, Britain would defend them. Churchill’s opinion was that northern Ireland may one day rejoin with the south, but that time wasn’t now.

Collins, realizing he’d probably signed his own death papers, accepted the deal as being the best he could do. Upon his return, Nationalists split into two groups: those who supported the agreement as a first step towards total Irish independence and those who were against it. And though the agreement was passed by voters almost three-to-one, an Irish Civil War erupted. Anti-agreement forces were not content with only five-sixths of the island tied to British association and saw Collin’s agreement as a sell-out. Two months later, Michael Collins was murdered (at the age of 32). Among his last words were, “Tell Winston we couldn’t have done it without him.”

The Irish Civil War lasted a year. It was won by the Free State forces, which were heavily armed by the British government. In 1937, the Free State adopted its own constitution, and then in 1949 left the British Commonwealth completely to become what it is today—the Republic of Ireland.

Troubles

Northern Ireland continued to have troubles. Discrimination against northern Catholics (one-third of the population) in jobs and housing, in addition to their total exclusion from political power, led to a civil rights movement in the late 1960s similar to that led by Martin Luther King in the United States. Both sides turned to violence—the military forces of the northern Protestants against the northern Catholics’ IRA.

Because of the troubles, Northern Ireland was deemed incapable of ruling itself and came under direct rule by Britain for over 27 years (1972-1999). All parties eventually agreed to a ceasefire in 1998, through the Good Friday Agreement, after more than 3,500 deaths.

This agreement restored self-government to Northern Ireland through a number of changes and stipulates that Northern Ireland will remain part of the UK until a majority of the people of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland wish otherwise. Should that happen, then the British and Irish governments are under a binding obligation to implement that choice. This peace process has suffered setbacks since it’s inception but a changing demographic plus the loosening of people’s association with religion leaves hope for the future.

Note: the flag of Ireland, introduced in the mid-19th century, is a tricolour of green, white, and orange. Green for Roman Catholics, orange for Protestants, and white for the desired peace between them.